The first day of February

I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you all my worries and fears.

However, that question in my previous blog post still lingers and unfortunately, no answer yet. I still have to gather my thoughts and reflect on it. Think really hard about it. I wonder why I can't think about it too much, maybe I know the answer already, deep within... but I can't see it. Do I have to dig deeper?

The first day of February is not good to me. This is going to be one hell week and to think it's only Wednesday.

Why should life treat me this way?

I want to scream and cry my eyes out.

I want to live but I don't want to feel anymore.

I wish you're here, guiding me like a ****** should since I was born in this world. I wish you could help lighten up this emotional baggage that I've been carrying the past years. I'm sorry, I am still not ready to reveal who you are. I don't want them to think of you in a bad way, even though you deserve it.

Why now? Why should I think about all of these things now? What is wrong with me?

Somebody help me find the answer.

Dear God, give me a sign or an answer. Both will be very much appreciated. You know my worries and my fears, you are the only person who knows what can make me happy and bounce back. Help me.

I yearn for normalcy... how long should I wait? How long should I suffer?

Questions in my head

Is it possible for a person TO LOVE but not show it? 

No, I'm not talking about the kind of love you are thinking now, not the "boyfriend-girlfriend", "wife-husband" relationship.

The past few weeks revealed a lot  of things and I don't know what to feel or think about it yet.

It's like I am lost in my own mind, trying to analyze things but just can't do it. It's like when I am ready to analyze it or even think about it, my mind goes completely blank and I will just forget about it. Maybe because I don't know the answer to it yet... Or I don't want to know the answer to it.

Oh God, I need to clear my thoughts. I want to write in a small cottage right in the middle of nowhere or maybe in front of a lake or something. I just want to write, write and write without any distractions. I just want it to be quiet... even for a couple of hours.

I hate this feeling.

Hello 2012

It's the New Year and I know all of you have new plans and new goals that you wish to fulfill by the end of this year. For me, I only have simple wishes and I won't tell you about it. :P 2011 was great but I hope for a greater year ahead. I have been through a lot the past year and those things made me realize a lot of things. I can say now that I am currently looking or finding myself, knowing more about ME and loving ME. Don't ask questions, I am not yet ready to tell you everything that happened.

Today is the first day of 2012, and it seems like every person in the world will wake up late. Did I mention I hate Sundays? Especially the day after December 31st? And also, we all know that tomorrow is Monday and we are to go back to our normal lives.

I am so grateful that I have a loving and supporting family and friends who are there for me through thick and thin. I am really so lucky. Here's to a stronger and fearless me!

So, I'm ending this post by wishing and hoping that we all have a great year ahead. Let's have a great 2012. :)

Exactly what I'm feeling.

“People think they know you. They think they know how you’re handling a situation. But the truth is no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you’re lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don’t know what’s going on inside your head—the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn’t their fault. They just don’t know. And so they pretend and they say you’re doing great when you’re really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you.”

—	William H. Woodwell Jr.

Dream dream dream

Have you ever had a dream where you are losing your teeth or your teeth are falling? Well, I did a couple of days ago, when I was enjoying my afternoon nap. I woke up after that nap completely normal then it dawned on me when I was finally in front of my laptop and realized that I dreamt of something very BAD. You see, in the Philippines, we have this "pamahiins" or "myths" and according to some "pamahiins", if you dream of falling teeth or losing teeth, this simply means "death in the family" or a "bad omen". Imagine the fear and worry I experienced the whole day. Trust me, that dream almost shattered me into pieces. I didn't even have the courage to talk about it but I told my husband, just my husband, then told TWITTER about it, well, I told TWITTER that I had a bad dream. :)) Anyway, the next day, I finally had the courage to talk about the dream I had only because I was BBM-ing with my best friend and her sister had the same dream the night before. That's when I blurted out about my dream. I have this habit of concealing things that are not good. (Is that pride? Hahaha) Then while I was bbm-ing with my best friend talking about how worried and scared we were, I heard the bad news. I won't post it here cos it's too personal. However, I am quite relieved that the days of worry have subsided. It's not easy sleeping with a worried brain and heart.

Here's what I read online re: Dreams of teeth, particularly falling teeth/losing teeth:

Another theory holds that teeth in dreams represent power, since they are used in real life to tear, chew, and bite. Therefore, the loss of teeth in a dream represents a perceived loss of power or influence. People who feel frustrated, or who feel that their voices are not being heard, may have dreams about losing teeth. Feeling ineffective, or feelings of inferiority, are often associated with such dreams as well.
-http://dreaminterpretation8.blogspot.com/2007/12/dreams-of-teeth.html

This interpretation is the most adequate for me. There are many theories, you know. I hate failure and rejection. In fact, I can't stand both. I hardly accept failure and rejection and I usually get mad or I disconnect myself from the world when it happens. I know this is not a good attitude but hey, we all have different personalities. ;) Depression clicks inside me, being my companion for a couple of days or weeks. Yes, both create such a huge impact in my life and it's so ironic cos I'm a writer. Hahahaha. :))

CONSPIRACY

May 02, 2011 - The mastermind behind 9/11 is said to be dead. Killed by an asset, shot through the head or died because of the explosion? Really, can you please get your facts straight? It was around 11am here when the news about Osama's death broke. I saw it on Twitter and quickly turned on the TV and of course tuned in to CNN. Even during the wee hours of the morning I was watching CNN with my husband. Just like any other people in the world, we were dying to see proof that Osama is really dead. America is taking too long to show the whole world Osama's body and it is said that the body is covered in white sheet and buried at sea. They said that it is an Islamic tradition but apparently, IT IS NOT and now, JUST NOW, I retweeted a statement from Inquirerdotnet saying that "Burial at sea is routine for US Navy". Yeah, right.

The real question here is, is Osama really dead or is America covering up something. If he's dead, it doesn't change anything. According to CNN last night, Obama said "THE WORLD IS A SAFER PLACE". This is so stupid coming from the President of the most powerful country in the world. Osama Bin Laden is a smart ass, and it took 10 years before he got killed, and he has HALF A MILLION followers already and this man will not die with nothing. HE HAS PLANS OF COURSE, in fact, there may be a new leader now, plotting. Seriously, the war isn't over. I think it's just starting. And before you rejoice, the death of a man who killed millions of people is not worth it, for me, he deserves to suffer and not DIE. Death is nothing, death is even WONDERFUL because he never get to suffer again, he doesn't need to hide anymore.

Honestly, America, PLEASE MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. We know you're powerful and yes, we look up to you, but please, STOP OCCUPYING PLACES THAT ARE NOT YOURS. You started this war against them. What more do you want? And would you please STOP LYING. If Osama is really dead, why is it taking so long to show the whole world, HIS BODY. We deserve it. Or I guess... maybe you're covering up a mistake... maybe it's Osama's decoy. He's a very smart guy after all. Whatever it is, THE WORLD IS DEFINITELY NOT SAFER and Osama's death is not a big deal (I'm sorry) because he will not die (if he really is) without any plans of terrorism. THE PLANS ARE ALL SET, WAITING TO BE PUT INTO ACTION. A man like Osama will not die without "plans" because from the very start, he knows he'll die or get killed. That is the truth. Now, WE DESERVE TO KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH as well.

So where are King Henry VIII's descendants?

Finally I had an answer. I remembered that Elizabeth I (the daughter of King Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn) died with no kids. However, the Queen of England, Elizabeth II is still related to Elizabeth I as they are first cousins that have been 14 times removed. So, yeah, they are still related. :)) What's with all the fuss? Well, eventhough King Henry VIII was such a huge arse back in the days but still,  he made "history" and he's the most "controversial" king indeed. He killed all his wives (!!!) and he's the first ever King who got DIVORCED. Stupid? Yeah. But his story and the years that he reigned as King of England is very interesting and fascinating. Maybe not all of you will not get this "obsession" I have with England's history but you might want to open a book or two about it and you will know what I'm saying... :)